A Guide to Better Relationships — From a PhD Couples Therapist
Seven Principles Towards A Well-Functioning, Securely Attached Partnership
Seven Principles Towards A Well-Functioning, Securely Attached Partnership
As a couples therapist, I’ve spent 25 years helping people strengthen and improve their relationships. Here are the seven of the most important takeaways:
1. Name your emotions instead of acting them out.
This is perhaps the #1 shift that I try to help people with. Say “I’m frustrated,” instead of “You never ______!” Say “I’m hurt,” instead of “You’re so critical!” Say “I’m feeling overwhelmed,” rather than just shutting down or pulling away. (For more, and the reasons why, see Non-Violent Communication.)
Also: there are various formulas for I-statements, and many of them are too simplistic to be helpful. But if you say “I’m,” followed by an emotion, it’s hard to go wrong. And just stop there! Trying to explain things is often what gets people in trouble.
2. Focus more on how you aspire to be as a partner and less on your gripes with your other.
Changing yourself is the most effective way to change your partner. Direct attempts to change your partner often come across as criticism or attack, and indirect attempts as vague or passive-aggressive.
It’s well established that there are two basic behaviors that kill relationships: withdrawal and blame (and all their variants like defensiveness, addiction, affairs, criticism, stonewalling, belittling, etc.).
If you tend to withdraw, be more engaged and take more positive initiative. For instance, ask how your partner is feeling at the moment, or about your relationship in general; ask follow-up questions; volunteer to help with whatever your partner tends to do more of (e.g., housework, planning dates for the two of you, organizing kid activities); follow up on issues that have come up in your relationship (e.g., “Do you want to talk any more about that argument we had on Friday?”).
If you tend to be accusatory, focus instead on naming your emotions (as above) and talking about what you want versus what’s lacking. For example, instead of “You only think about yourself!” you could say, “I really feel loved when you are interested in how my day was and you engage with me about it.”
These changes are easier said than done but can make a big difference if done with dedication, heart, and persistence.
3. Cultivate compassion for yourself and your partner.
Seek to understand the positive intentions in your and your partner’s behaviors. For example, withdrawal is often an attempt to maintain peace or limit damage, and accusation is often an attempt to improve the relationship, identify a desire or wish, and ultimately be more connected.
Remember how you were each shaped by your family environments growing up and foster compassion for those natural forces. To give a simple example, some people have a hard time saying they’re sorry because it was not done in their family of origin. If this is the case for your partner, keep in mind that it’s not as easy as it might be for you. If those words mean a lot to you, you could say — with a kind tone — something like, “I know that saying you’re sorry is hard for you because it wasn’t done in your family. But when you are able to say it to me it really helps me let go of my hurt so that we can get back to feeling close again.”
Accept imperfection and differences. We’re all human and imperfect, and there will always be differences between any two people. Not right or wrong, just different. (For more see How Do We Differ, and A Tale of Two Stories.)
4. A relationship is a three legged race.
Well OK — maybe not a race. But the idea is that you’re linked, you depend on each other to get through life. You have to be able to count on each other, protect each other, and help each other out. These are the central purposes of a relationship.
Together you form a co-created system (see Your Relationship Is An Ecosystem). At every moment you have the choice to move things more positively or more negatively. If one of you falls down, you both fall down. If you hurt your partner you’re hurting yourself. In a relationship system, repair matters more than pride.
If one can say simply “Ouch,” or “That hurt,” and the other can take responsibility right away and say, “I’m sorry I hurt you,” regardless of intent or other circumstances, it can make a big difference. The sooner you repair the better, but later is better than none.
5. Notice, savor, and celebrate the good things.
Gottman’s famous ratio, backed by decades of research, is that happy relationships have ratios of positive-to-negative responses ranging from 20:1 in normal conversation to 5:1 in conflictual ones.
As Gottman points out, these partners make a habit of noticing and dwelling on their loved ones’ qualities that they appreciate (and they have compassion for their flaws). “You’re so good with people.” “I really appreciate your fixing the faucet.” “You look nice today.” “Thanks for doing the taxes — I’m so grateful that you have the skill and patience to do them.”
This attention to the good is tied to the important positive emotion of gratitude, and is a necessary offset to negativity bias — the brain’s evolved survival tendency to preference threat.
6. You can’t have pleasure without suffering.
Sorry kids, that’s life. There will be missteps and hurt and pain. What matters is what you do with all that: how you repair, how you learn about yourself and your partner in order to do better next time, where you focus your attention, how you know and express yourself.
7. Remember you love each other.
Remember what brought you together. Yes things are different now, but you had a part in it too. As Stan Tatkin says, there are no angels and no devils and people are together for a reason. Look into your partner’s eyes, feel your love for them, and let them know it.
(I’m a clinical psychologist with over 25 years experience and a private practice in The Mission, San Francisco. Now serving all of California by telehealth.)