Why Is My Partner Blowing Up Over Such a Small Thing?

And how to respond

Here’s how to respond.

Photo by Christian Sterk on Unsplash

A common situation in relationships — one that I see in my office several times a week — is this. One partner is very upset about something and the other partner is baffled as to why something seemingly small could cause such a big eruption. In my experience, there are three main causes:

1. It’s not the thing itself (what triggered the explosion), but something about what it represents.

2. One partner has a different value about something that we are failing to understand well enough.

3. It really was a small thing — and the other person was just tired and/or hangry.

Let’s take these in order.

1. Not The Thing Itself

In one couple I saw, the wife went into a rage when a case of wine arrived at the front door. Her husband had gotten a special bargain on it and couldn’t understand why it was such a big deal to her. She explained that they had an agreement that he would stop his expensive subscription to a wine club and she was angry that he had…