When Are We a "We"?

In what ways is it helpful (or not) to think of yourselves as a "we."

Some relationship gurus advocate thinking of your relationship in terms of “we.” It’s sometimes put in terms of moving from “me” to “we.” At one level this makes a lot of sense and can be a significant aspect of couples therapy. But at another level it can get us (“you!”) in trouble.

The first idea means shifting from an individualist perspective to one that is more relational and inclusive. Partners often come in to couples therapy uttering things like “I’m not getting my needs met!” This is usually an indirect indictment of the other partner for either doing something they don’t like, or not doing something they want. Examples can range from things like not getting enough appreciation, or specific expressions of love (including sex), to not taking out the garbage, to spending too much time on work. Of course a similar sentiment can be expressed by more direct blame like “You’re mean to me,” or “You never get me flowers,” or “You always leave the lights on,” or worse. This k…