Normal Conflict In Love
People who come to me for couples counseling often ask “what’s normal” in a happy, healthy relationship. In some ways this is a difficult…
People who come to me for couples counseling often ask “what’s normal” in a happy, healthy relationship. In some ways this is a difficult question because there is a wide range of variation in how couples get along. I also generally try to steer couples away from thinking in terms of “normal,” or “healthy” because when things aren’t going well they can use these terms in blaming or judgmental ways towards each other. However, I can say a few things about what’s reasonable to expect in well-functioning relationships and properly handled conflict, and then how things shade over into distressed relationships and toxic conflict.
Some friction, disappointment and hurt are inevitable in any relationship. It’s how these are dealt with that make all the difference.
In his extensive research following couples over decades, John Gottman found that “both conflict-avoiding and volatile, passionate couples can have stable, happy marriages.” Alon…