Listening for the meaningful subtext of a harsh message.
In The Letter and the Envelope I talked about some of the “packaging” that can interfere with delivery of a message. So it is helpful to know how to deliver a message, but it is also important to know how to receive one of those troublesome packages in the event that your partner (or anyone!) doesn’t happen to deliver in the best way for whatever reason. When things get heated and difficult in relationships what we mostly hear is the immediate surface emotion from the other person, which is often some variation of anger: irritation, frustration, disappointment, etc. And lots of times this can come across as attacking or blaming.
Getting Past the Envelope
Those angry and sometimes sharp words and tones are what I referred to in the last blog article as the envelope, or container of the message. The real message is hidden inside, and usually has a softer, more vulnerable core of sadness or fear connected to a w…